Things will change

I told him I wanted to tell him where I'm at. He deserves to know. It is in my best interest. I in no way asked him where he is at. It doesn't matter right now.

Right now I am too hurt to talk to him. Talking to him upsets me more than I can handle anymore. I am not giving an ultimatum but stating the facts. I can no longer be a part of his life in this current condition. It hurts too much to know the things he says he is doing and not know everything else. I cannot be a part of his life when he doesn't care about about how what he is doing hurts me. I guess he might care but not enough to not do things that hurt me that he just WANs to do.

I don't know what this means. I don't know if this means it is over. I don't know if this means he is allowed to see other people. Or that I can. Which I in no fucking way want to do. 

All that I know it means is that I can no longer stand to be close to him right now under current conditions. If he wants to change the current conditions I could consider it. But I have no hope he does. I have no hope he is done hurting me. I think he will keep doing it over and over and over again. I see no end.

I know he loves me. He wants me and doesn't. He wants an improved life with me but at the same a completely new life. I don't want this life. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I do not want to keep compromising my self worth. I do not want to keep allowing him to treat me like I am not a human being that matters. That he matters more than me. That it is okay to treat me like this.

I do not think he is doing any of this with map intent though. I think he is too lost to realize how badly he has hurt me. Has broken me. I have gotten enough strength to fight back. Fight for myself. Fight for y self worth. I will not back down. I cannot.

I need to figure out my non negotiables and right now this relationship is a non negotiable. Him texting girls, approaching girls at coffee shops, at bars, at parties and what not. Even if it's just bc he only knows how to be friends with women. I cannot do that. That is now his problem not mine. If he cannot fix that or make things better for me after doing what he did to me, then no, I cannot move on with the idea of trying. 

I am done with how things have been the last 3 months. I want change. Even if change has to be me walking away.

I will tell him this on Sunday. I will tell him he can think about it. That the only thing written in stone is that I am done being in our current state. Our lack of state. Our emptiness and loneliness. I need to breathe again. He stifles my survival. He hurts me so bad I cano breathe. It is like being constantly sucker punched every moment. I got up for some air and I just want more. I hit my limit and I can't go back. Things will change even if it's not exactly how I want them to. Things have to change no matter what. Regardless if it means we are less. Us being less is better than us now. Us now is the worst thing I can imagine right now. I can't do it. I won't.