How to Forgive?

I am almost done with surviving day one. My chest was tight all day. It happens often, but it was more intense than usual. I kept hoping he would break and text me first. He hasn't. I found at least three articles I wanted to send him today. But I didn't send them.

I realized the only way I can control this situation, if control is really what I want, is to end it. I definitely don't have control about starting it, but I can always end it. If I want control, I guess that's the way I need it to go. I do not want control if that is my only option.

 I was reading an article on Four Keys to Help You Forgive, and I wanted to do the exercise it mentioned to help me forgive. At the top of the page I am supposed to write the offender. Then in one column I am supposed to write down the event that happened that made you angry. In the second column you write about how you felt about it and what you came to believe about yourself as a result of the offense. Then in the third column write down what you had hoped for or expected from that person. This will be my loss. I am going to do this for the husband.

Husband
First Column: You cheated on me, and fell for a girl and broke our wedding vows. Then you said you would try with me to make things work with us and you never did. Then you moved out, in the midst of your depression, despite me wanting us to try, to figure out yourself.

Second column: This made me feel betrayed. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough. It made me feel like I cannot trust anyone, because you were the one I trusted the most. I felt hurt, broken, used and alone. I feel like I cannot trust anyone ever again. I feel like maybe I deserve this for some reason, and am not good enough to not have this happen to me.

Third column: I expected security in you. I expected a partner. I expected someone I could trust with everything. I expected you to realize how much you would hurt me by these actions and not let it even get to a level where you would even be tempted to do this. I expected you to be able to come to me with your problems, to help you like I always have, as a partner. I expected you to respect me, our love, and our marriage.


Now the rest of the article asks me if I can trust God to make up for this loss and that part just feels like something that doesn't feel right for this situation and fairly awkward for a lifehack article. So I am going to go on with my interpretation of this article in other ways, in a more secular way.

So from here I am supposed to decide if I want to forgive him. And I do. And I think I can. But I also want to restore the relationship and to do that, I need to have him agree.

I guess I feel in the back of my head that I will never be able to forgive him unless he can give me that. That I will not be okay until he does things to make it okay. But I cannot depend on him. I need to figure this out on my own. Set boundaries for myself to be okay with him.

Right now those boundaries are simple, he is still acting in a way that does not make me feel good. He texts girls, he meets new girls and exchanges phone numbers with them. he seeks out friendships with girls. If he is going to do that, I need to make a hard stance against wanting to even be in a "friendship" with him. I cannot recover and watch that. I need him to realize how much he is hurting me, and I want him to not hurt me, and I want him to want to make me feel better. If he is not willing to do that, I need to be willing to walk away. This is what the month is for for me. For him to figure out what he is missing. To see if missing me is worse than him having to do something to try to repair our relationship. I know he loves me. I know he loves me more than he will love another, at least in the way he loves me. So if he wants to get that love back, then he has to do something as well. I am sick of trying and trying and trying. To forgive him. To not be upset with the way he acts. To not be upset with him having to "figure himself out". He has to want to do this on his own and the only power I have is over myself. I can control using the power I have of not being his rock, his partner, his confidant, if he does not treat me the same. I have THAT power. And that power is how & why I will survive this month. I will be okay.

Overall this exercise was good.

One problem however is that I still have issues with dealing with "the other woman". I am supposed to forgive her because she makes me boiling upset. Like tea kettle roaring upset every time I think about. Like I still look at the news everyday hoping that she is the one dead in the accident last night. That is not healthy. But how do you forgive someone who you should have never had expectations of anyway? I had them as a person. As a person no one should do this to another person. But clearly she is not a good person, so why would I expect her to behave like one?  I really need to figure this part out because I am still beyond upset about all of this and her and I do not know how to fix it. I do not know how to make it go away. Does it ever go away?

My therapist told me that I am supposed to think about whether or not I think this girl intended to hurt me and the obvious answer is no. But didn't she? Of course she was just thinking about herself at first, but how did she not see me as competition. How did she not want to take him away from me and take him for herself. Is that not intentionally hurting me? Or maybe just intentionally helping herself. Fuck that girl. See......... fuck. I get too angry. How do I make this stop?!

I wish I could figure this out. I wish it was just we were having relationship problems and not relationship problems AND infidelity. If you are ever considering infidelity, please avoid it. It will never be worth it.

I need to focus back on things I know how to control though. And that is myself in the way I interact with him, by not interacting with him. I can control that. I cannot control myself when I am talking with him, or hanging out with him, but I do feel more in control when I am away, when I do not see him and his broken self.