Last night he forwarded me an email his dad sent him that was funny. I ignored it. Then, he replied to his dad but accidentally sent it to me instead. So I was trying to ignore it, but I didn't want his dad to miss the email, so I told him the mistake. Then later on gchat he asks me if S (our mutual friend who is in from out of town) is hanging out tonight like she said she would. I wasn't at my desk so I didn't get it. I responded anyway and told him the plan, like a fucking idiot. But the plan never ended up being the plan anyway and I had to tell him that. And then I had to tell him I wanted to talk because I clearly was not very clear about the boundaries I wanted in place. So he said we could. But of course the time I wanted to talk doesn't fit into his schedule. So I go, well I am available until 7, otherwise we can talk tomorrow. I am not going to bend for him on this. I am not going to care. I want this to be real distance.
So like most days I read a lot of blogs about relationships. One sparked my interest, codependence, for obvious reasons. He claims that he is codependent on me. And as I read it, I can definitely agree. But then I find ways where I am completely codependent on him. And it drives me mad. Drives me mad because I don't want to be. It is also, but I guess it is true.
And this article related to all of this even more because it talks about how poor boundaries are one of the main symptoms of codependency. We have no boundaries basically. We make them up as we go along and don't follow through with them, often. It also mentions how someone who is codependent feels responsible and guilty for other people's feelings and actions. And I do. Oh my gosh I do. It is awful. I do this with most people. Argh. Another one also is being a caretaker. I am a ridiculous caretaker. I enjoy it, but it is not healthy. It also says you feel guilty for your partner needing space, that you think it is your fault. Then goes on to say that if you were blamed by your partner for infidelity, or feel that you are to blame for infidelity that you cannot be responsible for someone else's action. People always have a choice to do what they do. I am not responsible for him cheating. Do you have any idea how relieving that feels. To connect it in that way? It was NOT MY FAULT.
The article goes on to say that shame is the cause of codependency. This reminded me more of him. He is shamed because he cheated. Before he was shamed because he wasn't succeeding in life the way he thought he should. They say to be codependent you generally were rejected as a child, that you were unloveable. But it seemed like his parents loved him. Perhaps not in the way he needed to be. His brother took all the attention. But going on in the article it says all the scripts that codependents say, such as "I'm a failure" or "I'm defective" which are word for word things he says. He cheated because he felt I was succeeding and he was not? He cheated because he needed someone to make him feel better about himself in ways I could not, because comparing himself to me made him feel bad? And boy does he compare. Not generally with me, but with others. This might be why he is trying to break away from me, because he needs to differentiate himself in ways where there is no way he could compare himself to me. This seems like a lot more work than just succeeding. But perhaps he isn't consciously doing any of this.
The article then goes on to say that if you can love yourself the shame will go away and your self esteem will improve. More reason why we need to be separate because I cant stop myself from bringing it up right now. The shameful things. Because I am in raw burning searing pain. I myself need to heal, I need to learn to love myself and improve my self esteem before I can really build a relationship with him.
When the article goes on to talk about how codependents keep trying hard to make relationships work, it reminds me of me. But also him. He has been trying technically. He wants to keep this relationship because it makes him less empty, but at the same time, it is too unhealthy to fulfill him in the ways he needs to be filled.
We need to assume responsibility for our happiness. I am doing okay in a lot of ways with this, but also not entirely. I still want, and feel like I need him to make certain aspects better. It says relationships will make you happy, but not in the long run, if you cannot be responsible for your own happieness. You need a support network of friends (I do, thank God, but he doesn't really) and activities you enjoy (he is starting to kind of, and I am starting to kind of).
We need to grieve the past. And M needs to do this more than I do. His mom basically killed herself (most likely) 2 years ago and that has to hurt. That has to make him feel like he wasn't enough to keep her alive. The love she had for him wasn't strong enough to be worried. That is a hard one to deal with and I don't think I can help.
The article then goes on to say codependents fear being alone and abandoned because they believe they are unworthy of love. Well, I think this goes for both of us. We both feel this way. Right now at least. It even says codependents cling to relationships, even if they are being emotionally abused and abandoned. Both of us. Fuck.
Blame, shame and guilt are not helpful. But working through the trauma from the past is helpful.
What I learned from the brain dump, and some plagarism, is that 1) I am not responsible for his cheating, I cannot be responsible for his actions. Nothing I did made him do it. I can't make him do anything. 2) I need to learn to make myself happy, and he needs to learn to make himself happy. We cannot make each other happy, we can just add to happiness. 3) we need to grieve the past, and do this without being emotionally abusive to each other. Right now we are very emotionally abusive to each other, without even meaning to. it is because we cannot deal with the shit in our heads. And we need to figure this out away from each other for awhile. 4) we need to feel loved, but love for ourselves, love for being who we are and who we will become.
I guess there are things I had figured out, but I didn't. Or maybe I had a lot of it figured out and then got crushed and broken. And he was broken too. Far more than he could handle. We need to heal on our own. The more and more I see it, the more and more I see us needing more and more space. We are just making it worse.
I miss him though. But just the good times and having a partner. I can be okay.
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