Life will never be the same. The lesson here, is it really as bad as it seems in the darkness?
Can we start over anew? Am I damaged beyond repair? Is there no looking back. Is the only way to start anew to look forward? Can I look forward with you? Can we look forward with each other?
What we have created is broken. Haphazard. Hazardous. It poisons my skin, my thoughts, my veins, my blood.
We need to figure out who we are, what we want, on our own. I understand that. But I am learning more and more how dependent I am on you. Maybe not in the same way as you with me, maybe less, maybe more.
I need control. I felt it Saturday night, until I didn't.
That moment, when I saw the blood, showed you my pain leaking out all over my arm, onto my hand, onto my clothes, I felt relief. I felt more relief than I have felt in a long time. It is the best relief. I am proud of the wound. What will be a scar. What will ruin the tattoo that I got with you on what we call our first date.
I crave the serrated knife dragging across my body. I crave seeing you see how deeply you cut through me with your betrayal, with your confusion, with your depression. It shows in a way that I cannot express with tears, with words, with distance, with silence.
I crave showing you how badly you hurt me. I want you to see me suffer physically, see my suffering. Maybe then you will get it. Maybe then you will understand how deep it is you are digging the knife in, into my essence, into my soul. I want you to feel bad for me. I want you to know that I am someone that should be felt bad for.
I shouldn't keep playing the victim card, but I don't feel like anything else right now. Even if you call yourself a survivor, that means you were once a victim. I am damaged.
I feel like I need an extreme change. And when I feel this I am reminded by you, and your desire for the same, months before. Are you too broken too that you need to walk away? Are as broken as me? More?
I can't keep living this way. The way where everything on the surface is the same, but nothing is the same. I need to know if you want to change together. But we aren't there yet. We need to take it slowly, but right now it is a standstill. The knife is stuck inside. If you pull it out too fast the blood might flow out so fast that I won't survive. Take it out slowly. Let it heal before you move it again. Move it so slow that I barely feel it. No need to rip the bandaid off. I am too broken. I am too weak. I won't survive that way.You might as well just jam it deeper inside otherwise.
Everyday I lose you more and more. You are lost more and more. I am not sure I like the new you. Or maybe, because you will always be you and always have been, I do not like this side of you. If this is the only side I get from you in the future, I will not stay. I will die before I stay.
I need you stronger. I need you willing to care for more than yourself. I need you in control of yourself. I need you to know how to love someone else without it changing who you are. I need you to know yourself. Your values. What you stand for. And show me whether ours are aligned.
You are my best friend and I don't know how to walk away. But I need to rest. I need a rest from you. I need to recover. I need to recover with you. I need you to recover. I need you to recover with me.
I do not know what the future holds, but I do know it will be a new version of who we are, who I am, who you are. We are changing so rapidly that it is too hard to catch up right now. But eventually, we will either pass each other by or finish the race holding hands.
