I have had a lot of good days, even weeks but for some reason today is just awful.
First at the pun off I thought I saw her.
Then he didn't text me back. And still hasn't over 24 hours later.
I had a dream he was moving to Chicago for another girl. He slept with her. And felt really bad because apparently she had been raped recently and he made her bleed from her wounds. So considerate be was so upset for her. So bad all around. The reason he hasn't texted back was because he was too busy being in love with her.
He might actually be doing just that right now. It upsets me obviously. But I still wouldn't want him back. But I don't want him with someone else. Even though if he was I would know it was doomed. He is my capable of a real relationship. He can't even take care of himself.
I woke up at 2am and couldn't call asleep because I was so upset. Then finally fell back asleep and couldn't sleep past 6. When all I want to do is sleep because all I want to do is get past this awful day. The day where I am in a pit and can't climb out.
Speaking of which it reminded me of another dream I had the other day. I had a dream I went for a hike. And it got rally slippery and I just couldn't go on. Then I told my friends this what it and I had to stop. That they could go on. They refused. They all joined together and lifted me out. So beautiful and so true. Because of them I will survive.
I started up in a social dating app. I feel like he might know. Or is just dating someone. Regardless. I am supposed to go to the Greenbelt with a guy on Tuesday. Oddly enough it was the place where he started to see her. How it all came to the end. The beginning of the end. Maybe this will be the start to the beginning. I am not really counting on this to work out with the person. And for me it's just a test. But I am beyond anxious about this in a horrible way. I haven't been on a date, or a casual get together whatever it is for 10 years. Speaking of which I'm not even sure m and I actually went on dates in the beginning. We were 19 for fucks sake. Who even had money to go on a date. Haha.
I have no idea how I will be as a dater, but I guess I have to try. It's weirder now because I am absolutely not motivated for a partner. Or a real relationship. So my ideas around this are completely foreign to me. If they don't call back, maybe I won't care. Because my heart really isn't into it. But then again I am sure I will be upset even if an ugly boring guy rejects me. Meh.
Another problem will be that I am not good at telling people I'm not interested. For example I really don't think I should do this date on Tuesday. But now that he asked I don't want to say no. Ugh.
Will need to figure this all out
