Ringing in the New Year

We rang in the new year together last night, amongst my friends. My friends who know what is going on. We even ran into one of his friends who knew what is going on.

I kept trying to repeat to myself in the last month that 2013 was shitty and 2014 HAS to be better. But does it? I guess in some ways it might. At least I won't be finding out the cheating this year. Twice. I am not sure I can ever feel worse than that. I am sure I can. But those 2 months were the worst months of my entire life. Just thinking about it brings up hot flashes of being upset. I still wake up in cold sweats at least once a week recalling it or something like it.

But regardless, how good can this year be? As good as I make it? Sure. But I am starting off the first month of this year with no contact to him, other than today. We might see each other once a week, but I am not sure I want to do that.

I am fairly certain that either he will not choose me by the end of it, or I will not choose him. I can't see us both picking each other right now. And we have to decide at the end of this month. Right?  Geesh, I hope so...

I am hoping that by standing strong and not contacting him he will realize just how much he is missing by losing me. Is a month long enough? There is always the fear that he might find out how much he is just not missing me at all. But that is useful information to know either way. This limbo bullshit is awful. It has almost been an entire year of it. Literally. My chest tightens knowing the day is coming up on the year when this all started. Or maybe it already was. Lordy.

So back to the new year. At best (in some perspectives) we get back together, and work on ourselves. It won't be easy. We still have a lot of shit to deal with and overcome, individually and together. At worst (in some perspectives) we decide to get a divorce. That will suck. No matter how "good in the end" it will be, it will still suck. How could it not?

So as we were ringing in the new year, it just looked like another huge mountain to climb. But I can do it. I have survived through worse so far. I can fight through. Right? I guess I can just see it as another thing I can learn from and be grateful for that.

I would be more grateful (maybe) if I just didn't have to learn these lessons the hard way. Why couldn't I learn these lessons through friends or something. Oh well. No poor me. That is annoying and tedious.

He ended up spending the night last night. Then we hung out all day just watching newsroom together. it was nice. It was the kind of days I will miss the most. We ended on a good note. Except for the fact that it was goodbye for a month and neither of us wanted to say whether we thought it would be a good idea if we saw each other once a week or not throughout the month. I am thinking maybe not. I get too upset when I see him often. When I see him reach for his cellphone to text someone, or to tell me about new girls he has been meeting, and new girls he has been texting with, and a whole new life that he has without me. It feels awful. In pretend land, when we are at home and just watch television all day, that is the only time it is really okay, right now.

I am not sure if this is how it will be forever. I keep telling myself that if only he chooses me and dedicates himself to me, then I will be better. But I might just be kidding myself. It might just good, but in reality, maybe we can never recover.

My gut has been telling me that I need to just leave him. That he doesn't love me enough. That he is too messed up. That I need more from a partner. That I will never recover from the pain. But then he says things like, what should he paint me, or reminds me that he is always here for me, and that he does love me. That he has been sad. Not only because he is depressed but because he misses us.

I am going to be strong. I am going to write here all the times I want to write to him but I cannot. I can last a month right? I have gone maybe 3 days without talking to him before, not sure how I will last a month. But it's for the greater good. I need to remind myself each time, it is so that I can know and get out of this limbo. That I cannot take this feeling anymore, that the only way to recover is to do this. Even if the way to recovery is not the wa I want, right now at this time.

I have to be strong. I have to take care of myself. I can do this. I am barely hanging on.