Miss

I miss waking up to him. But I am also relieved that I have no expectations of him more than I have right now. I won't be sad that he didn't text because he isn't supposed to. I won't be sad that he isn't trying to hang out because we aren't supposed to. 

I am still very upset about a lot of things. Him meeting random girls in coffee shops. Him exchanging phone numbers with random girls. Him not caring how deepy this hurts me. Him caring more about himself than the searinh pain he causes. I can't have this pain anymore. I cannot be around him until he takes the knife out of my heart and adds some neosporin. Until that day I need to be free of him. I need to let go. I need extract it myself. 

I do think he will regret all of this and want me back someday. Or at least regret being so cruel, so selfish. I do. Believe something like this will happen to him someday and he will hurt this bad and then hurt more because he knows he did this to another person. That he is an asshole. A cruel one at that.

I don't think he will learn this in time. I don't think he will try to get me back.

I think he has hurt me more than I can be hurt again. I only think it will get worse and I don't think I can handle worse.

Although I miss waking up to him 8 don't miss the feeling I had once the sleep faded away. That he is distant with me. That his phone may go off and it will be another girl. That he may leave me again. Abandon me. That he doesn't really love me but just finds me comfortable. Comfortable can be nice. But not when being uncomfortable is what turns you on right now.

I think I can survive. But only with this space. Only with a support system. And improving other areas of my life.

Also I need to lose some weight again and gain back some confidence. I need to control that too. Too bad I am awful at control. But I can try.

He will be in this house tomorrow. Without me. To see the pups. I hope it brings back good memories instead of bad. I hope his thoughts of me and sad and remorseful.