Dear M,

I am really not okay today. Your responses to my email today was so cold. So awful. Is it because I am being so cold to you? I can't imagine you seeing it as unfair.I keep asking myself, how can someone who says they love me hurt me so badly. Do you have any answer? Do you think it is an okay answer? Do you think what you are getting out of it is worth me being in pain? Is the way you acted okay?

I am sure you are rationalizing it in a lot of ways. But it is not fair.

You set me up to fail. The moment you cheated on me, you set me up to fail. You knew you would never respect a woman who so easily wanted you back despite those transgressions. The only way this could have ever turned out was you backing out of the relationship. You cannot love someone you cannot respect. I have not respected myself. Why would you respect me? But that is unfair to me as well. You disrespected me by cheating before I even had a chance to show my respect. Maybe I hadn't been one to respect before. But I was. You even claimed I was. You were just a weak coward. You made cowardly decisions. That is all you have done this year.

All you have done is lie to me, and rationalize it away. You didn't tell me certain things because it was easier on YOU not to. You could have instead just opted to not do things that could hurt me. You knew I would find out eventually.

 This is why I should not talk to you. I am not clear headed right now. I can't even stick to the same subjects. I keep circling around still.

I keep asking why when I should just be focusing on how to get out of this.

I need to tell you to move out everything. To think of a plan for moving everything. I need to tell you it is over officially.

I want to hug you goodbye still. Cry together at how awful the ending was. That we are ending. But you are too empty to care. It is like you lost your soul. I swear you had one before. Your eyes are so empty. It breaks my heart but also scares me.

I curse the world if the only reason you are acting like this is due to a chemical imbalance that you just won't take care of. But I am too dumb for that too. This has gone too far. You have some control of what is going on.

Starting over is hard to think about. But it is something I need to do. I have been acting like the fallback girl, and have turned myself into someone I wouldn't even date. I need to fix that. I need to be nicer to myself.

I am sick with all of this. So fucking sad. So fucking disappointed. I feel so naiive that I could think that I deserved a happy ending with you. Or at least more than 3 years of marriage. What a fucking joke. I guess technically we were together for 4 years, but this last year is not real. It is not one that should be counted. You were never in it.

I want to throw up all the time with the overwhelming grief I feel. Then I imagine you being with your friends, picking up girls at bars, distracting yourself, trying to be happy. When you are doing this to me. Fuck you. But to be fair, your life will be much worse than mine. You will not deal with this. You will never be able to be happy in a relationship until you can be happy with yourself. And you have to know you have been pretty fucking shitty. That you are being pretty shitty.

How do you sleep at night? How do you survive? I hope you at least feel guilty. I hope you at least feel like need to be a better person. Doing philanthropic events will not make up for how horrible you are to those you love. The small amounts of help you offer random people will never correct the pain you inflicted on me.

Do you even want to reach out to me? Do you even care? Are you happy? I hope not. Right now. I really hope not. I guess if you were, you would be quite the psychopath. Are you?