Scar

Therapy went alright. Seemed like nothing new was discovered except maybe I think too much of her and in retrospect it is kind of narcsastic. Gotta calm that down. 

Also was being encouraged to explain myself to him but had to say I can't right now. I need to work on my self worth to be able to come up with a list of non negotiables and be able to stick to them. 

Still going strong on the not talking. Feel better everyday really. For now. It hasn't been long.

Also crazy stuff at work today. Can't talk about it even though this is an anonymous blog for me. Oh well. 

And my cavity got filled and it hurts still. Ugh. I hope it feels better tomorrow. 

Also I am supposed to say something nice about myself once a day. Today it is: I love every single scar I have and every reason for each one. 

The best revenge

"The best revenge is not to be like your enemy" - Marcus Aurelius. 

I like the idea of this. It sounds more productive. And I do really need to like myself. Plus if it means revenge then yay! I am always up for revenge. Ha. 

Miss

I miss waking up to him. But I am also relieved that I have no expectations of him more than I have right now. I won't be sad that he didn't text because he isn't supposed to. I won't be sad that he isn't trying to hang out because we aren't supposed to. 

I am still very upset about a lot of things. Him meeting random girls in coffee shops. Him exchanging phone numbers with random girls. Him not caring how deepy this hurts me. Him caring more about himself than the searinh pain he causes. I can't have this pain anymore. I cannot be around him until he takes the knife out of my heart and adds some neosporin. Until that day I need to be free of him. I need to let go. I need extract it myself. 

I do think he will regret all of this and want me back someday. Or at least regret being so cruel, so selfish. I do. Believe something like this will happen to him someday and he will hurt this bad and then hurt more because he knows he did this to another person. That he is an asshole. A cruel one at that.

I don't think he will learn this in time. I don't think he will try to get me back.

I think he has hurt me more than I can be hurt again. I only think it will get worse and I don't think I can handle worse.

Although I miss waking up to him 8 don't miss the feeling I had once the sleep faded away. That he is distant with me. That his phone may go off and it will be another girl. That he may leave me again. Abandon me. That he doesn't really love me but just finds me comfortable. Comfortable can be nice. But not when being uncomfortable is what turns you on right now.

I think I can survive. But only with this space. Only with a support system. And improving other areas of my life.

Also I need to lose some weight again and gain back some confidence. I need to control that too. Too bad I am awful at control. But I can try.

He will be in this house tomorrow. Without me. To see the pups. I hope it brings back good memories instead of bad. I hope his thoughts of me and sad and remorseful. 

Survived today

I survived today. I have a lot more to add by today was far too traumatic and wonderful for me to write it out. I will tomorrow. But seriously, it is a big deal I survived today. 

Baby steps

I told him today that I needed space for me. That it was confusing me talking to him because we have a really good time part of the time and the other part I just feel absolutely awful. I need to take care of myself. I need to do this for me. Take this control to focus on myself and healing. It has been like scratching a scab so often it never heals. I need it to heal so I know what I really want in all of this.

Right now I have no clue. I love him and I know he loves me but the pain is so deep and raw I'm not sure how we can ever come back together.

In other news he also mentioned going out for brunch today. I did not inquire more details. For me that is a win. I don't want to hear it. Even that hurts me.

Also he told me he played basketball today randomly. That made me happy for him. That is also progress. 

And I ran 13.1 miles today. It was hard. But next week I have to do 19. Ahh.

I've got codependcy issues.... anyone have a cure?

Last night he forwarded me an email his dad sent him that was funny. I ignored it. Then,  he replied to his dad but accidentally sent it to me instead. So I was trying to ignore it, but I didn't want his dad to miss the email, so I told him the mistake. Then later on gchat he asks me if S (our mutual friend who is in from out of town) is hanging out tonight like she said she would. I wasn't at my desk so I didn't get it. I responded anyway and told him the plan, like a fucking idiot. But the plan never ended up being the plan anyway and I had to tell him that. And then I had to tell him I wanted to talk because I clearly was not very clear about the boundaries I wanted in place. So he said we could. But of course the time I wanted to talk doesn't fit into his schedule. So I go, well I am available until 7, otherwise we can talk tomorrow. I am not going to bend for him on this. I am not going to care. I want this to be real distance.

So like most days I read a lot of blogs about relationships. One sparked my interest, codependence, for obvious reasons. He claims that he is codependent on me. And as I read it, I can definitely agree. But then I find ways where I am completely codependent on him. And it drives me mad. Drives me mad because I don't want to be. It is also, but I guess it is true.

And this article related to all of this even more because it talks about how poor boundaries are one of the main symptoms of codependency. We have no boundaries basically. We make them up as we go along and don't follow through with them, often. It also mentions how someone who is codependent feels responsible and guilty for other people's feelings and actions. And I do. Oh my gosh I do. It is awful. I do this with most people. Argh. Another one also is being a caretaker. I am a ridiculous caretaker. I enjoy it, but it is not healthy. It also says you feel guilty for your partner needing space, that you think it is your fault. Then goes on to say that if you were blamed by your partner for infidelity, or feel that you are to blame for infidelity that you cannot be responsible for someone else's action. People always have a choice to do what they do. I am not responsible for him cheating. Do you have any idea how relieving that feels. To connect it in that way? It was NOT MY FAULT.

The article goes on to say that shame is the cause of codependency. This reminded me more of him. He is shamed because he cheated. Before he was shamed because he wasn't succeeding in life the way he thought he should. They say to be codependent you generally were rejected as a child, that you were unloveable. But it seemed like his parents loved him. Perhaps not in the way he needed to be. His brother took all the attention. But going on in the article it says all the scripts that codependents say, such as "I'm a failure" or "I'm defective" which are word for word things he says. He cheated because he felt I was succeeding and he was not? He cheated because he needed someone to make him feel better about himself in ways I could not, because comparing himself to me made him feel bad? And boy does he compare. Not generally with me, but with others. This might be why he is trying to break away from me, because he needs to differentiate himself in ways where there is no way he could compare himself to me. This seems like a lot more work than just succeeding. But perhaps he isn't consciously doing any of this.

The article then goes on to say that if you can love yourself the shame will go away and your self esteem will improve. More reason why we need to be separate because I cant stop myself from bringing it up right now. The shameful things. Because I am in raw burning searing pain. I myself need to heal, I need to learn to love myself and improve my self esteem before I can really build a relationship with him.

When the article goes on to talk about how codependents keep trying hard to make relationships work, it reminds me of me. But also him. He has been trying technically. He wants to keep this relationship because it makes him less empty, but at the same time, it is too unhealthy to fulfill him in the ways he needs to be filled.

We need to assume responsibility for our happiness. I am doing okay in a lot of ways with this, but also not entirely. I still want, and feel like I need him to make certain aspects better. It says relationships will make you happy, but not in the long run, if you cannot be responsible for your own happieness. You need a support network of friends (I do, thank God, but he doesn't really) and activities you enjoy (he is starting to kind of, and I am starting to kind of). 

We need to grieve the past. And M needs to do this more than I do. His mom basically killed herself (most likely) 2 years ago and that has to hurt. That has to make him feel like he wasn't enough to keep her alive. The love she had for him wasn't strong enough to be worried. That is a hard one to deal with and I don't think I can help.

The article then goes on to say codependents fear being alone and abandoned because they believe they are unworthy of love. Well, I think this goes for both of us. We both feel this way. Right now at least. It even says codependents cling to relationships, even if they are being emotionally abused and abandoned. Both of us. Fuck.

Blame, shame and guilt are not helpful. But working through the trauma from the past is helpful.

What I learned from the brain dump, and some plagarism, is that 1) I am not responsible for his cheating, I cannot be responsible for his actions. Nothing I did made him do it. I can't make him do anything. 2) I need to learn to make myself happy, and he needs to learn to make himself happy. We cannot make each other happy, we can just add to happiness. 3) we need to grieve the past, and do this without being emotionally abusive to each other. Right now we are very emotionally abusive to each other, without even meaning to. it is because we cannot deal with the shit in our heads. And we need to figure this out away from each other for awhile. 4) we need to feel loved, but love for ourselves, love for being who we are and who we will become.

I guess there are things I had figured out, but I didn't. Or maybe I had a lot of it figured out and then got crushed and broken. And he was broken too. Far more than he could handle. We need to heal on our own. The more and more I see it, the more and more I see us needing more and more space. We are just making it worse.

I miss him though. But just the good times and having a partner. I can be okay.

How to Forgive?

I am almost done with surviving day one. My chest was tight all day. It happens often, but it was more intense than usual. I kept hoping he would break and text me first. He hasn't. I found at least three articles I wanted to send him today. But I didn't send them.

I realized the only way I can control this situation, if control is really what I want, is to end it. I definitely don't have control about starting it, but I can always end it. If I want control, I guess that's the way I need it to go. I do not want control if that is my only option.

 I was reading an article on Four Keys to Help You Forgive, and I wanted to do the exercise it mentioned to help me forgive. At the top of the page I am supposed to write the offender. Then in one column I am supposed to write down the event that happened that made you angry. In the second column you write about how you felt about it and what you came to believe about yourself as a result of the offense. Then in the third column write down what you had hoped for or expected from that person. This will be my loss. I am going to do this for the husband.

Husband
First Column: You cheated on me, and fell for a girl and broke our wedding vows. Then you said you would try with me to make things work with us and you never did. Then you moved out, in the midst of your depression, despite me wanting us to try, to figure out yourself.

Second column: This made me feel betrayed. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough. It made me feel like I cannot trust anyone, because you were the one I trusted the most. I felt hurt, broken, used and alone. I feel like I cannot trust anyone ever again. I feel like maybe I deserve this for some reason, and am not good enough to not have this happen to me.

Third column: I expected security in you. I expected a partner. I expected someone I could trust with everything. I expected you to realize how much you would hurt me by these actions and not let it even get to a level where you would even be tempted to do this. I expected you to be able to come to me with your problems, to help you like I always have, as a partner. I expected you to respect me, our love, and our marriage.


Now the rest of the article asks me if I can trust God to make up for this loss and that part just feels like something that doesn't feel right for this situation and fairly awkward for a lifehack article. So I am going to go on with my interpretation of this article in other ways, in a more secular way.

So from here I am supposed to decide if I want to forgive him. And I do. And I think I can. But I also want to restore the relationship and to do that, I need to have him agree.

I guess I feel in the back of my head that I will never be able to forgive him unless he can give me that. That I will not be okay until he does things to make it okay. But I cannot depend on him. I need to figure this out on my own. Set boundaries for myself to be okay with him.

Right now those boundaries are simple, he is still acting in a way that does not make me feel good. He texts girls, he meets new girls and exchanges phone numbers with them. he seeks out friendships with girls. If he is going to do that, I need to make a hard stance against wanting to even be in a "friendship" with him. I cannot recover and watch that. I need him to realize how much he is hurting me, and I want him to not hurt me, and I want him to want to make me feel better. If he is not willing to do that, I need to be willing to walk away. This is what the month is for for me. For him to figure out what he is missing. To see if missing me is worse than him having to do something to try to repair our relationship. I know he loves me. I know he loves me more than he will love another, at least in the way he loves me. So if he wants to get that love back, then he has to do something as well. I am sick of trying and trying and trying. To forgive him. To not be upset with the way he acts. To not be upset with him having to "figure himself out". He has to want to do this on his own and the only power I have is over myself. I can control using the power I have of not being his rock, his partner, his confidant, if he does not treat me the same. I have THAT power. And that power is how & why I will survive this month. I will be okay.

Overall this exercise was good.

One problem however is that I still have issues with dealing with "the other woman". I am supposed to forgive her because she makes me boiling upset. Like tea kettle roaring upset every time I think about. Like I still look at the news everyday hoping that she is the one dead in the accident last night. That is not healthy. But how do you forgive someone who you should have never had expectations of anyway? I had them as a person. As a person no one should do this to another person. But clearly she is not a good person, so why would I expect her to behave like one?  I really need to figure this part out because I am still beyond upset about all of this and her and I do not know how to fix it. I do not know how to make it go away. Does it ever go away?

My therapist told me that I am supposed to think about whether or not I think this girl intended to hurt me and the obvious answer is no. But didn't she? Of course she was just thinking about herself at first, but how did she not see me as competition. How did she not want to take him away from me and take him for herself. Is that not intentionally hurting me? Or maybe just intentionally helping herself. Fuck that girl. See......... fuck. I get too angry. How do I make this stop?!

I wish I could figure this out. I wish it was just we were having relationship problems and not relationship problems AND infidelity. If you are ever considering infidelity, please avoid it. It will never be worth it.

I need to focus back on things I know how to control though. And that is myself in the way I interact with him, by not interacting with him. I can control that. I cannot control myself when I am talking with him, or hanging out with him, but I do feel more in control when I am away, when I do not see him and his broken self.