Dating?!

Some things say wait to date before the divorce in finalized. But other places say test the waters. Fuck.

What do I do? I think I am doing one casual date, will mention I am currently in a complicated situation. Looking for casual right now. I never said I was looking for serious. This might just be for friends. Most likely he won't even be into me.

When do I have to be up front? After this I need to forge dating until I file papers. I want to do tht soon. Especially with him acting like such an asshole this weekend. Or e is dead?! I would know if he was dead. Probably just being a self asorbed asshole. 

Bad day

I have had a lot of good days, even weeks but for some reason today is just awful. 

First at the pun off I thought I saw her.

Then he didn't text me back. And still hasn't over 24 hours later.

I had a dream he was moving to Chicago for another girl. He slept with her. And felt really bad because apparently she had been raped recently and he made her bleed from her wounds. So considerate be was so upset for her. So bad all around. The reason he hasn't texted back was because he was too busy being in love with her. 

He might actually be doing just that right now. It upsets me obviously. But I still wouldn't want him back. But I don't want him with someone else. Even though if he was I would know it was doomed. He is my capable of a real relationship. He can't even take care of himself. 

I woke up at 2am and couldn't call asleep because I was so upset. Then finally fell back asleep and couldn't sleep past 6. When all I want to do is sleep because all I want to do is get past this awful day. The day where I am in a pit and can't climb out.

Speaking of which it reminded me of another dream I had the other day.  I had a dream I went for a hike. And it got rally slippery and I just couldn't go on. Then I told my friends this what it and I had to stop. That they could go on. They refused. They all joined together and lifted me out. So beautiful and so true. Because of them I will survive.

I started up in a social dating app. I feel like he might know. Or is just dating someone. Regardless. I am supposed to go to the Greenbelt with a guy on Tuesday. Oddly enough it was the place where he started to see her. How it all came to the end. The beginning of the end. Maybe this will be the start to the beginning. I am not really counting on this to work out with the person. And for me it's just a test. But I am beyond anxious about this in a horrible way. I haven't been on a date, or a casual get together whatever it is for 10 years. Speaking of which I'm not even sure m and I actually went on dates in the beginning. We were 19 for fucks sake. Who even had money to go on a date. Haha.

I have no idea how I will be as a dater, but I guess I have to try. It's weirder now because I am absolutely not motivated for a partner. Or a real relationship. So my ideas around this are completely foreign to me. If they don't call back, maybe I won't care. Because my heart really isn't into it. But then again I am sure I will be upset even if an ugly boring guy rejects me. Meh.

Another problem will be that I am not good at telling people I'm not interested. For example I really don't think I should do this date on Tuesday. But now that he asked I don't want to say no. Ugh. 

Will need to figure this all out 

Dear M,

I am really not okay today. Your responses to my email today was so cold. So awful. Is it because I am being so cold to you? I can't imagine you seeing it as unfair.I keep asking myself, how can someone who says they love me hurt me so badly. Do you have any answer? Do you think it is an okay answer? Do you think what you are getting out of it is worth me being in pain? Is the way you acted okay?

I am sure you are rationalizing it in a lot of ways. But it is not fair.

You set me up to fail. The moment you cheated on me, you set me up to fail. You knew you would never respect a woman who so easily wanted you back despite those transgressions. The only way this could have ever turned out was you backing out of the relationship. You cannot love someone you cannot respect. I have not respected myself. Why would you respect me? But that is unfair to me as well. You disrespected me by cheating before I even had a chance to show my respect. Maybe I hadn't been one to respect before. But I was. You even claimed I was. You were just a weak coward. You made cowardly decisions. That is all you have done this year.

All you have done is lie to me, and rationalize it away. You didn't tell me certain things because it was easier on YOU not to. You could have instead just opted to not do things that could hurt me. You knew I would find out eventually.

 This is why I should not talk to you. I am not clear headed right now. I can't even stick to the same subjects. I keep circling around still.

I keep asking why when I should just be focusing on how to get out of this.

I need to tell you to move out everything. To think of a plan for moving everything. I need to tell you it is over officially.

I want to hug you goodbye still. Cry together at how awful the ending was. That we are ending. But you are too empty to care. It is like you lost your soul. I swear you had one before. Your eyes are so empty. It breaks my heart but also scares me.

I curse the world if the only reason you are acting like this is due to a chemical imbalance that you just won't take care of. But I am too dumb for that too. This has gone too far. You have some control of what is going on.

Starting over is hard to think about. But it is something I need to do. I have been acting like the fallback girl, and have turned myself into someone I wouldn't even date. I need to fix that. I need to be nicer to myself.

I am sick with all of this. So fucking sad. So fucking disappointed. I feel so naiive that I could think that I deserved a happy ending with you. Or at least more than 3 years of marriage. What a fucking joke. I guess technically we were together for 4 years, but this last year is not real. It is not one that should be counted. You were never in it.

I want to throw up all the time with the overwhelming grief I feel. Then I imagine you being with your friends, picking up girls at bars, distracting yourself, trying to be happy. When you are doing this to me. Fuck you. But to be fair, your life will be much worse than mine. You will not deal with this. You will never be able to be happy in a relationship until you can be happy with yourself. And you have to know you have been pretty fucking shitty. That you are being pretty shitty.

How do you sleep at night? How do you survive? I hope you at least feel guilty. I hope you at least feel like need to be a better person. Doing philanthropic events will not make up for how horrible you are to those you love. The small amounts of help you offer random people will never correct the pain you inflicted on me.

Do you even want to reach out to me? Do you even care? Are you happy? I hope not. Right now. I really hope not. I guess if you were, you would be quite the psychopath. Are you?

going to stop loving you too

I can't breathe. I haven't been able to breathe in a year. I need to let you out, stop letting you constrict my soul.

Things are over. There is no way to repair them.

You made it obvious in retrospect that you were in the relationship anymore. That you were just too much of a coward to say it. You are a coward. Cheaters are cowards. Liars are cowards. That is all you did to me this past year.

So much lying. I can't believe anything you say anymore. You say you love me, you say you miss me, yet are texting other girls, going to brunch with other girls, getting numbers from girls in bars. FUCK YOU. I deserve much more respect than this. This is not okay. I am not okay. You are fucked up. I am done letting your depression be an excuse. This is not acceptable behavior. This is not okay.

Even if you came back to me right now and said you were wrong, that you wanted to work on things, I would still say no. Because all you do is lie. You cheated once. You cheated again. and are probably cheating again. Once a cheater always a cheater. Also, you have given me no reason to trust you. All you do is hurt me.

So I am going to stop allowing you to hurt me. I am not yours. So you cannot betray me anymore. You promised to love and cherish and protect me in sickness and in health, and you broke that. So you do not get me. You broke the vows. You broke me

I want to be able to breathe and the only way to do that is to let you go. Let go of your promises. Let go of your lies. Let go of having you in my life.

I can't take it. You aren't even worth it. You don't respect me. These aren't things you do to people you love. So I am going to stop loving you too.

Unsent Letter to My Mother in Law

Dear Mother-in-Law,

In two days it will be 2 years after you died. You died in a way that no one expected, which is often the case. But yours was a little bit different. You were young, you were healthy, you were an RN, you were vibrant. We had just seen you a week before. No one knew how you died. Nothing was obvious. We were told that you were sick the night before, with symptoms of lupus (but nothing new, you had this under control), and you asked your husband to bring you your pills. He took care of you. He woke up to you, cold, and blue. You were not breathing. He tried to resuscitate you, but obviously it was too late from your appearance, from your temperature.

At 5am I woke up to go to the gym, but decided I would rather be with your son, warm under the blankets. I went back to sleep.Thirty minutes later we were woken up to a phone call. It was your husband, his father. He couldn't talk he was so upset. The police officer got on the phone and told your son that his mother was no longer alive. He tried to talk to his Dad but he could barely breathe  and still couldn't get any words out. What else was there to say?

Your son was heaving, he couldn't catch his breath the pain was so deep, so shocking. We would go to Houston. We would help his Dad, your Husband. No one could get a hold of your other son. Michael insisted on driving, he needed a distraction, he could not handle being with his thoughts, with any of it. We still couldn't get a hold of your other son. We called 15 times or more. We decided to drive another 30 minutes to go to his apartment, a place we hadn't even been to yet. We figured out how to find him. We knocked on his door several times. He didn't answer. Finally, right before we were close to breaking, he opened the door. He told him, screaming ensued, sobs, more heaving, more tears, more yelling. How could this be? We just saw you. We just talked to you. Your sons were too young to be without their mother.

The rest of the week was a blur. I spent nights with your son watching television with him, massaging him, doing anything to get him to be okay. When he wanted to go to bed at 7pm, without dinner, I was by his side with a glass of whiskey. I would watch whatever he wanted. I wouldn't pressure him into talking about it. This went on for months.

Your son stepped up and made all the plans needed to be made for the funeral. He was everyone's rock. He had to watch in horror when his dad broke down every five minutes. He had to watch his father realize that you were the only one who had the phone numbers of your friends. He had to dig through everything. He had to use his broken Portuguese to tell your family. He was more alone than he had ever been. I have never seen a man more broken. You were his rock. His everything.

I was sad, I was very upset. You were a rock in my life. You inspired me. You helped me become the person I am today. You gave me confidence in the business world. You helped me stand up for myself. You made a son that had made me very happy, that treated me very well.

Since you had been gone, I realized more and more how you were the piece that held everyone together. You were everything to everyone. You were the glue. We were broken without you.

Several months later, we had no explanation of how you died. We thought maybe a blood clot, a heart attack or something else weird and sudden. But the autopsy did not show anything like that. That we were told.

Your son, my husband, saw the death certificate one day while in your office by himself. He went in there to feel close to you. To picture you. And when he was in there, he saw the death certificate. It said death was due to overdose.

He was so shocked by this on so many levels that he didn't even tell me, his wife, for several months. I do not think he could process this.

You were an RN, you knew what to take to take care of yourself, you knew how much to take before you would overdose. This was not a complication or a bad interaction with the wrong drug, it said it was an overdose. I cannot imagine any other explanation other than suicide.

People kept saying at your funeral how it was so nice that you were able to see all your family before you died. That you went to Iowa for Thanksgiving. You saw us for Christmas. You went to Brazil for your birthday. You celebrated your birthday with friends. And now when I think about it, it makes sense. So much sense that you rushed this all together. You were saying goodbye. You knew what you were doing, you had a plan. Months out, you knew what your New Year's resolution would be.

We had no idea. We had no idea you were suffering. We had been worried when between a 3 month visit you had lost 30lbs or more. You said you were on the "your other son's name's diet" because he was stressing you out. You said all you ate was yogurt. I thought maybe you were suffering from Lupus and you didn't want to burden us. I wish we had some idea.

For the year after your death, your son seemed to be handling things, but not talking about it. I figured he didn't have anything to say. It was upsetting. Talking about it wasn't his style. I told him I was there for him, I would be there for him. I was there for him.

A year after your death I think it hit him. He became more and more depressed. He acted out. He cheated on me. He fell out of love with me. He became a different person. I could only see hurt in his eyes. I have never seen another human being so broken. I kept thinking it was me, that perhaps I was not enough for him, that I didn't ask the right questions.

Talking with his Dad, the day I found out he cheated, he said he must be depressed. That his mother suffered from it. That your son needed help. That I need to help him. He became more depressed himself knowing that you were cursed as well with this. Everyone thought you were safe, but your actions, your death, triggered something inside him that slowly tore away everything that he was. You broke him. He didn't even have you to reach out to. To care for him. He didn't even know you ever depressed. Why did you keep that from him?!

No one has told your other son the cause of your death. If they did, I feel he would be in a different place himself. He is happy now, for the most part. He could definitely use a mother's influence however. He currently treats women as sexual objects rather than people. Maybe he knows in some way. He has changed.

Your son, my husband, his life is forever changed.

I am so angry. Even if his depression was not caused by your death, by you killing yourself, he still doesn't have someone to help him through his depression. You were his mother. You had experience with depression, with THIS depression. You knew how to get him to get help. I cannot help him in the same way a mother can. It is a different dynamic, as it should be.

If you were alive, and you found out what he was doing right now you would have a serious talk with him. I am not sure if you would encourage him to keep trying with me, or to have him focus on himself. That if I wasn't making him happy that maybe he should step away. Either way, I wish he had your guidance. I knew it would be the right advice he needs. The advice that I cannot determine is best for him. I wish he had his mother. I wish he had someone who would tell him it gets better. But he doesn't have you. And he doesn't know it gets better, because his form of depression is probably similar to yours, and it didn't work out well for you.

You would be calling him, at least weekly and asking him how he is. How he really is. You would be the outlet he needs. The voice of reason. The voice of care. The voice of a mother's devotion. You would be the person I want to be with all my heart, but it is not my place. I am not his mother.

I love our son with all my heart. I always will. Even after everything that has happened, I still see him as broken and I want to fix him. But I can't. Only he can help himself, but you sure didn't help him.

Your son is flailing through life. He isn't getting the help he needs. He isn't being the person he should be.

I am angry, I am disappointed, I am so broken over this. I wish you had thought of this before taking those pills. I wish you had just held out. Held out for the lives you created.

You were taken too young. But really, you took yourself away too young.

Perhaps I should blame the depression, but you were always bigger than any problem. You should have held on. Your actions changed us all. Why did you let depression win? You were always so strong...

Since you can't be with us anymore in this world, if there is some way you can help your son, please do. He needs you now more than ever. We all do. We never stopped needing you. I wish you knew that 2 years ago. Depression is such an ugly, jarring disease. I wish we had the cure for it. I hope someday we do...

With love, confusion and anger,
Your daughter in law

I always miss you

I said "I'll miss you" and he responded "I always miss you."

I wanted to scream then stop pushing me away. But I didn't. I am taking that power back.

I told him today that I can't talk to him as long as he is seeking out friendships wth girls such as through work, or at coffee shops or at bars. That I am not okay with him texting them, etc. I did not say it like an ultimatum but said it as a boundary.

He said he doesn't have a response for me yet and needs to think it over. I would rather him do that.

He nonchalantly told me that he is seeking new employment now to replace his current part time job where he originally met her (she is no longer there). This is something I wanted for a year now. It would be a huge relief and would reduce a lot of my anxiety. Not that I need to give it power. Whatever.

He seems to be in a much better place but still not a good one. I worry about him but need to detach. This is a concept I need to do a lot of writing on soon. 

Things will change

I told him I wanted to tell him where I'm at. He deserves to know. It is in my best interest. I in no way asked him where he is at. It doesn't matter right now.

Right now I am too hurt to talk to him. Talking to him upsets me more than I can handle anymore. I am not giving an ultimatum but stating the facts. I can no longer be a part of his life in this current condition. It hurts too much to know the things he says he is doing and not know everything else. I cannot be a part of his life when he doesn't care about about how what he is doing hurts me. I guess he might care but not enough to not do things that hurt me that he just WANs to do.

I don't know what this means. I don't know if this means it is over. I don't know if this means he is allowed to see other people. Or that I can. Which I in no fucking way want to do. 

All that I know it means is that I can no longer stand to be close to him right now under current conditions. If he wants to change the current conditions I could consider it. But I have no hope he does. I have no hope he is done hurting me. I think he will keep doing it over and over and over again. I see no end.

I know he loves me. He wants me and doesn't. He wants an improved life with me but at the same a completely new life. I don't want this life. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I do not want to keep compromising my self worth. I do not want to keep allowing him to treat me like I am not a human being that matters. That he matters more than me. That it is okay to treat me like this.

I do not think he is doing any of this with map intent though. I think he is too lost to realize how badly he has hurt me. Has broken me. I have gotten enough strength to fight back. Fight for myself. Fight for y self worth. I will not back down. I cannot.

I need to figure out my non negotiables and right now this relationship is a non negotiable. Him texting girls, approaching girls at coffee shops, at bars, at parties and what not. Even if it's just bc he only knows how to be friends with women. I cannot do that. That is now his problem not mine. If he cannot fix that or make things better for me after doing what he did to me, then no, I cannot move on with the idea of trying. 

I am done with how things have been the last 3 months. I want change. Even if change has to be me walking away.

I will tell him this on Sunday. I will tell him he can think about it. That the only thing written in stone is that I am done being in our current state. Our lack of state. Our emptiness and loneliness. I need to breathe again. He stifles my survival. He hurts me so bad I cano breathe. It is like being constantly sucker punched every moment. I got up for some air and I just want more. I hit my limit and I can't go back. Things will change even if it's not exactly how I want them to. Things have to change no matter what. Regardless if it means we are less. Us being less is better than us now. Us now is the worst thing I can imagine right now. I can't do it. I won't.